substitute for my space

Grr... Msn is being..kick-worthy. I cant sign in to msn msngr or msn space! i want to update my blog! Since i cant to that right now.. I'll paste the text i prepared an hour ago here. It wasnt for you to read.. so it may sound a bit weird/out of normal.


Sore wa dekimasen! (I cant do that!) Well i think thats what it means. nyeh.. my heart and mind is all confused and scared and trying to untangle everything. Today was my second day in SMSA. I'm still not used to it.

My orientation group is 'Peterpan'. The indonesian group which i used to hate a lot. In the group there's no one in our class. At least Hisyam is in the group next to ours and that seems to comfort me a bit. Shahbilillah (sp?) is in my group. I thought he moved to Tutong. heh i was wondering why i saw him twice in the same week while going around kb and seria. So the first day of orientation i so disappointed myself. I think i was a bit 'sombong' I keep talking in English when everyone talks in malay. I hope they dont see me as a snobbish english speaking girl T_T. Well today was a bit better and i actually tried to help in the games. Although i think i'm a bit of a loudmouth when we were doing it XD I'm still dissappointed our eggdrop didnt count even though the egg didnt smash. (so what if it hit the sides of the first floor?! the egg is still whole even though there's a shock right?! We had a freaking treasure hunt running around the wholes school not knowing where everything is to find the things for the egg drop!)

Tomorrow's performance day and i have no idea what/how we'll dance. I'm scared to stand on the stage. I'm scared because i'm not in my usual science class anymore. I'm scared that i cant cope with A-levels. I'm scared that i cant open up to anyone new. I'm scared that i have to try to be independant. I'm scared because if i'm scared of all those things, how can i survive if, in some miracle, i get the scholarship to England? I'm scared if i get the scholarship i have more scares to try to overcome. I'm scared i'll fail my A-levels. I'm scared the teachers/tutors wont like me. I'm scared and confused but i want to overcome it! I want to be less dependant! But my heart is doing weird things. Oh and I'm scared because all HSGP seems to be offline these few days and i cant talk to any of them. Neis-niichan still isnt in irc too T_T I need constructive criticisms.

Oh and i had a dream yesterday. I was at school. I mean at PJN. I forgot to do this correction for maths. It was just one question but the working was way long! And it was my next class! I tried to do it but i couldnt. This is like the Xth time i had dreams that i didnt finish a hmwork/correction. I think its karma for all the times i didnt finish mrs corinna's and ckgu nuwai's work. Sigh..

Owh and about two days before school started I kinda started to do this fic about a boy and a girl (of course the boy is a person from HSJ :P but the girl isnt me) Its about exchange programs. You know, going to some country 'exchanging' families for a while. Finding out the owner of the room you're staying in is your idol's but you cant see him cos coincidentally you've switched life with him for a month or so. How you, a boy, had to stay in a girl's room. How shocked you were at looking at yourself when you close the door to the room. (posters and pictures pasted at the back of the door). In the next weeks you learn so much about her/his and her/his living that you feel that you know her/him. What happen next? that's all? Can she ever meet you? Chances you're not going to. You lie there sleeping on his bed with him not knowing you. but hey you know his family right? Somehow that's not enough..

Yeah. I thought that would be an interesting piece of story but sadly i have a hard time imagining it myself so i dont know if i should abandon the story or not. Darn i wish my imagination is wide enough to finish it. I'd love to read about it. "

note:
pjn is my old school
smsa is my new school
sombong is kinda like proud/snobbish
tutong is another district in brunei
mrs corina is my maths teacher
ckgu nuwai is my english teacher
Hisyam is one of my classmates (former)
Shabillillah or whatever the spelling is used to be my classmate in religious school.


hope you girls dont mind me posting this here instead X_X

Eka